Oligarchs and Volleys, Week One.

Hello and welcome to the first newsletter of the World Cup. Where we wrap up the week in World cup news. Its been a weird and wild start to the Russian invasion, and the tournament is getting zestier than a warm bowl of borsch in a Siberian winter. The Gulags are already full to the brim with protesters and troublemakers, and Putin keeps a watchful eye over all the games and spectators. The Aussies have been going toe to toe with the Soviet booze hounds, and from all reports giving a strong representation of Australian binge drinking culture. So, lets start with an Unsportsmen take, on the week that was across mother Russia.

CR7 Strokes his non-existent beard

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Can anyone explain to me Cristiano Ronaldo’s celebration against Spain? He ran to the corner and started stroking his cleanly shaven, baby faced chin in what can only be described as a bizarre celebration. He played extremely well, and netted 3 goals in his sides draw with their Iberian Peninsula neighbours. Keep an eye out for those Portuguese chargers, they will cause a few more upsets yet. As for Cristiano, lets simply quote “The Beards” by saying, if your dad doesn’t have beard, you’ve got two mums.

Invisible Sniper Shoots Hernandez on 47 Separate Occasions

French Fullback Lucas Hernandez has been shot in various regions of his body by a Marksman in the crowd, it has been confirmed. FIFA originally suspect Matthew Leckie had originally charged his body with direct current electricity and was zapping Hernandez whenever he got within four feet of the dramatic Frenchman. Hernandez collapsed like bad souffle whenever Leckie came within his peripherals, and after initially admitting to trying to get Leckie sent from the field by diving, he later retracted and blamed the KGB for trying to take him out. Thankfully, Hernandez survived and will get another chance to disgrace himself, his family and Football itself when a Peruvian player glances in his direction at their next match.

Optus Wobbles

Optus has confirmed that the WWII telegram cables they are using to send Nokia 3310 images of World Cup matches back to paying customers is not satisfactory. Many viewers have struggled with streaming matches and have opined the days of the eternal Les Murray to ease us into a match between two faraway nations in the wee hours of the morning. Allan Lew - the man in charge of the mess - has devoted his personal attention to the issue and has been thrown a lifeline by fan-favourite SBS, who have agreed to share the coverage over the next few nights. Lew is said to be building an army of carrier Pigeons, who can enter the hemispheric slipstream and bring pixelated Jpeg files back Australia of all remaining matches. This will no doubt be an improvement on current coverage.

Mexico Shifts the Tectonics

The tectonic plates of Football shifted on Sunday morning AEST as Mexico stunned the football world to defeat the reigning champions, Germany. Searing pace and an appetite for attack is what impressed so many about the Latin America salsa in Moscow. But it was the celebrations over Mexico that followed which brought the biggest rumbled. They danced and partied in the streets of Guadalajara, Mexico City, Tijuana, Sinaloa, Baja and Chihuahua. So much so that the country registered a small earthquake as a result. Keep it up Mexico, you’re an absolute joy to behold.

England Win Shocks the World

In one of the biggest upsets in football history, football minnows England have stunned Tunisia in a 2-1 victory overnight. The country has gone mad and hopes are now building of a repeat of their World Cup winning heroics of 374(AD). They have labelled themselves as favourites in almost every tournament since but have always failed to bring home the fish and chips from the global event. England trigger man Harry Kane netted two great goals in a stunning display. Keep your eye on the three lions, they looked primed to implode against Panama.

Iceland Freezes Argentine Flames

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Iceland are poised to launch their heftiest tilt at a global title in decades after halting the flashy Argentians in their group match. They held the powerhouse to a 1-1 draw as Lionel Messi missed from the spot to let a victory slip through their grasp. Iceland are firming as favourites for the crown, in the countries first shot at silverware since Gunner Stahl and Wolff “the dentist” Stansson came within inches of taking the Iceland hockey team to a Junior Goodwill games championship. They were famously beaten in the crucial shootout by Gordon Bombay’s Team USA. The pain is still apparent in Icelandic hearts, and overcoming those mental barriers will be imperative to the nations chances.