By Aaron Callaghan
There is no political agenda, thoughts or feelings one way or the other in this article. Sit back, relax and laugh. I’m going to look at how I got to be a jaded 30-something year old voter and who you should plonk down some hard earned on.
A complete and utter disregard for all and sundry. That sentence could have easily described my political involvement, I never cared, I couldn’t believe anyone else cared. Three things changed my mind.
I guess this is a ‘Three things and Gambling picks Column’. Enjoy.
Number one, the elected officials chosen to run your country is kind of an important decision - the direction our country takes as it floats around the sun matters. I still don’t care enough to tweet and use political hashtags, I don’t get angry, I don’t publicly take sides or political leanings, like a real man I keep my feelings bottled up down deep.
Number two. The comedy gold. Donald Trump’s entire tenure. Bill Shorten running bolt upright in top gear, moving probably as swiftly as Martin Lang in the 71st minute, truckin up his 40th six metre hit up (Shout out: Blog reader Jimmy Keath - He’s still laughing about the bolt upright running style). Clive Palmer sliding in to everyone’s inboxes with unsolicited drivel, perhaps #MAGA isn’t the best slogan to hang your hat, read the room Clive. This is all fertile ground for comedians one could talk politics while staying apolitical.
Perhaps the perfect capstone to the Aus politics comedy pyramid is the alleged incident at Engadine McDonald’s, allegedly our current prime minister, undoubtedly flanked by young liberals, shitting his pants underneath the golden arches after the Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks grand final loss to Brisbane in 1997. All alleged of course. I want to believe so badly.
*Stands and applauds*
*Chef kissing fingers over culinary art*
*Comedian mic drop after burning down a set*
Pick your poison. It’s comedy gold.
Number three, enter an obscure council election in Lake Macquarie in 2016. I didn’t even know there was an election being held. The overlord lizard people that run everything claimed they advertised the election on television and radio - Well I don’t get TV reception at the house and to be honest if you listen to radio - please delete my phone number, there only one audio indulgence you need listen to - The Unsportsmen Podcast.
“Failure to vote in a Council election Mr and Mrs Callaghan … I find you guilty.” The overlords and their tax collectors come down hard issuing a $55 fine EACH.
$110 to the man’s coffers. I plead of you, please spend it on schools and sports fields not a Nespresso Pod Machine for the council chambers but I digress into the jaded 30-something voter I am.
The point of all this is to say my days of drawing throbbing giant dicks all over the voting sheet are over. I’ve got a family to feed and an economy to stress over.
It is time to look at the front runners for this election and The Unsportsmen Sp Bookie Odds, meet me in the pokie room to place bets - If you want to help with our hosting costs for this website, sign up with NEDS and The Unsportsmen will spot you some bonus bets. The criteria for these selections is based entirely in Australia’s bare essential need for an alpha-dog to lead the country in to the 2020’s. We need someone who eschews such petty, trivial issues such as climate change, immigration and healthcare … Boring. We need an alpha-dog who prioritises golfing, attending sporting matches, sending down thunderbolts like Johnny Howard and racking up taxpayer funded travel to obscure international junkets summits.
The Unsportsmen Bookmakers
Bill Shorten - $1.50
The Labor party leader looks a favourite to return Labor to the hot seat. Shorten has been sitting off the speed in the ‘one out one back’ just off the pace and rounding them up just as they straighten.
Moreover is there anything more alpha than running EXACTLY like the T1000 and NOT addressing it?
Kinesiologists everywhere are cringing and collectively muttering under their breaths, already thinking of the back pain, the foot problems … The knees, won’t somebody think of Shorten’s knees!?!
Shorten looks like he’s running in 10 tonne shoes. Pick them feet up Bill.
Too short for mine.
Scott Morrison $2.90
After craftily deflecting any possible scandal resulting from an Engadine McDonald’s incident involving a ruined pair of RM Williams and Bonds budgie smugglers after a skinful of piss watching the Sharks choke away their first grand final appearance. The Shire’s teflon don expert gave that one a David Peachy swerve and quick play the ball.
The Sharks number one ticket holder, shocking dancer and egg dodger is the pace setter however he may have gone out too hard, too early.
Clive Palmer 100 - 1
Aaron: Politics in Australia is a two horse race and will take a wall building, mediocre businessman with a catchy slogan to change that … Something like ‘Make Australia Great Again’, yeah MAGA for short. That will work. #MAGA let’s see if we can get that trending.
Tom: Uhhh Aaron, are you talking about Donald Trump or big Clive? MAGA really?
Let’s take a look at the parallels between Clive and the President of the United States.
Slogan - Make Australia/America Great Again … I have a feeling this won’t age well Clive.
Political Leanings - They’re probably similar, I don’t know.
Sports Teams - Both owned failed sports teams in their hometown/state. Donald Trump for intents and purposes killed the United States Football League, an American football league which was starting to gain traction in opposition to the National Football League, Trump’s team the New Jersey Generals were one of the teams blue chip franchises which also conjures up images of Clive Palmer’s bright yellow and blue Gold Coast United playing in front of 700 people, mostly training staff, family and friends at Robina Stadium.
Put a line through Clive.
Like a Group 3 Race at the start of the Autumn Carnival featuring a heavy, unbackable favourite for example Winx warm up events, the rest of these are just in to collect 5th place money and mostly for the gags.
Kevin Rudd 1000 - 1
Word out of Queensland is Kevin 07 is mounting a late charge as an independent. Keven is hoping to finally get some use out of his Bachelor Degree in Chinese Studies and capture the ever growing Chinese vote.
Did you know Rudd has a degree in Chinese Studies?
Because he does.
WE GET IT KEVIN.
The back bone of Kevin Rudd’s campaign is his updated slogan, gone is Kevin 07 and in is Kevin Nineteen. His campaign manager channeled his inner Kawhi Leonard on that one, pushed his team mates aside and said I got this and came through in the clutch. Kevin Nineteen.
Harold Holt 2500 - 1
Despite the alleged late prime ministers flat out refusal to swim between the flags, word out of Cheviot Beach is … Ahhhhh forget it.
We miss you Harold.
Bob Hawke 2500 - 1
Still harbouring dreams of playing for the Australian Cricket Team Hawke could use his political stature to force his way in Just Langer’s side and we all know Justin would bow down and let it happen. Hawke would have to dip into the vast, property developer filled Labor coffers to pay off the BCCI to allow him into international competition.
Let’s face it, if Hawke seriously ran for office now, who wouldn’t vote for him?
A campaign built on sculling (or skolling) beers and presenting a hook shot that’s more than passable, if not elegant and perfectly timed.
Vote #1 Bob Hawke - Plays through the ‘V’ early, establishes a jab before moving in and loves a scoot out of dummy-half.
What a bloke!